


I Will Reach Inside (Just To Find My Heart Is Beating)

by Hils



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 16:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2316398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hils/pseuds/Hils
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's used to the unpredictable schedule of Bucky's visits, but what he's not prepared for is coming home one night and finding Bucky bleeding out in his kitchen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Reach Inside (Just To Find My Heart Is Beating)

Steve and Bucky have an arrangement.

It’s not an arrangement Steve particularly likes but when the choices are to let Bucky hunt down HYDRA on his own or never see him again, it’s not really a choice at all. After months of searching for Bucky without a trace Steve knows that if Bucky never wants to be found again he won’t be. 

Generally Bucky stops by once or twice a month. It’s not a lot, nowhere near as often as Steve would like, but it’s better than nothing. When he does stop by he’s at least willing to talk, and it seems like things are starting to come back to him. They don’t really talk much about his time as The Winter Soldier. Instead Bucky asks about the time they spent growing up together and recently there’s been the occasional flash of recognition in Bucky’s eyes or he’ll offer up some small snippet of information to whatever story Steve is telling ( _your date was wearing a blue dress_ ). 

There’s no schedule or frequency to Bucky’s visits but Steve has just got used to coming home one day and finding Bucky there waiting for him. He still has no idea how Bucky gets in without tripping any of the alarms. Part of him doesn’t want to know. But each time he hopes that this will be the time Bucky says that he’s finished and he’s ready to come home permanently. Bucky hasn’t even hinted that it’s something he wants but Steve has to hope that maybe some day it’ll happen.

It’s late when Steve gets home that night after dropping Sam off at the airport so he can fly back to DC to spend some time with his sister and his niece. Steve still doesn’t know what he did to deserve a friend like Sam. A man who uprooted himself and left his family, his home and his job to move to New York just so Steve could feel more settled and closer to the few people he knew he could trust. One day Steve will figure out a way to repay Sam for everything he’s done for him.

He heads to the fridge, twists the cap off a bottle of water and starts chugging it down as he turns and almost runs face first into Bucky who is standing right behind him. Steve takes a step back and sets his bottle down on the kitchen counter before he drops it. Because Bucky? He looks _awful_.

Pale isn’t even the word to describe the tone of Bucky’s skin. He looks almost gray, his face bathed in a sheen of sweat. Although he’s looking at Steve, he doesn’t appear to be actually seeing him.

“Bucky?” Steve takes a step closer and lays a gentle hand on Bucky’s arm. Usually Bucky won’t let Steve touch him at all but this time he barely seems to notice.

“I need…” Bucky rasps, and then he just drops.

Steve manages to grab hold of Bucky before he hits the floor and gently lowers him down. It’s bad, he can tell that without really knowing what’s going on, but he doesn’t know if Bucky is hurt or sick or some combination of the two. Unfortunately, now Bucky is out cold so Steve can’t even ask what happened.

He picks Bucky up as carefully as he can and carries him into the bedroom. They’re not even halfway there when Steve feels the warm stickiness of blood seeping into his shirt. He quickens his pace and slowly eases Bucky down onto the bed. Steve’s got basic skills in field medicine, but he needs to know what he’s working with.

Removing Bucky’s clothes is harder than Steve imagined it would be. There’s straps and buckles all over his body armor, but Steve refuses to panic and just works at them carefully until he’s stripped Bucky down to the waist. His pants and boots are decidedly easier to remove.

Steve takes a breath. Just as he’d feared, it’s bad.

The lower half of Bucky’s body is pretty much unharmed save for a few grazes and bruises, but the top half….

Bucky has three fresh bullet holes which are still bleeding sluggishly despite Bucky’s attempts to patch himself up. There’s one in his shoulder, one in his arm and one in his side. Worse than that, though, is that his entire chest is littered with older wounds. Cuts, bruises and what looks like a stab wound which Bucky has tried to stitch himself but which looks red and inflamed.

“Jeez, Buck,” Steve sighs.

Bucky murmurs something in what Steve thinks is Russian and starts shivering. 

“It’s okay,” Steve says half to Bucky and half to himself. “We’ll get you fixed up.”

Bucky says the same words again, this time making an unhappy noise in the back of his throat. 

This, this is too much. Steve’s medical training extends to patching someone up but Bucky’s in bad shape and this isn’t something he can fix. He needs help.

He rummages in his dresser and grabs the burner phone Natasha left for him in case of emergencies and shoots her a text using the code word she’d given him before she disappeared. The phone rings less than five minutes later.

“I’ve got company,” Steve says when he answers. He’s careful not to use Bucky’s name just in case anyone is listening. “He’s in a bad way and needs a doctor.”

There’s nothing but silence on the other end of the phone for a minute and then Natasha says “Someone will be there within the hour.”

Steve moves back over to the bed where Bucky is now saying the same Russian words over and over, his brow creased into a frown.

“Natasha?” Steve asks although he’s sure he’s not going to like what the answer is. “Can you understand what he’s saying?”

He holds out the phone towards Bucky who’s now starting to twitch on the bed, recoiling away from Steve with a pained cry.

“Put the phone close enough for him to hear me,” Natasha says. 

Steve holds the phone to Bucky’s ear and after a moment he stills, the tension seeping out of him.

“What was that all about?” Steve asks when he puts the phone back to his own ear.

There’s silence for a moment and then Natasha says “He was saying ‘Don’t make me hurt him, he’s my friend.’ I told him the mission had been cancelled and that he could stand down.”

Right then Steve wants to rip apart every single member of HYDRA he can get his hands on. Arrangement or not, he is going to take down anyone who was even remotely responsible for doing this to Bucky. 

“Someone will be with you within the hour,” Natasha repeats when Steve doesn’t respond. 

Steve takes a deep breath. His personal feelings about HYDRA can wait. He’ll deal with them when Bucky has healed. 

“Okay,” he finally says and Natasha disconnects.

The least he can do is get Bucky cleaned up while Natasha contacts whoever she’s sending to help. He heads into the bathroom and fills a bowl with warm water and a splash of disinfectant before heading back to Bucky's side. Bucky's still murmuring in Russian, but it's not really clear words anymore. He seems settled, at least which is the best Steve can hope for at the moment. 

He sets to work, cleaning the wounds carefully and keeping an ear out for any sounds of pain or any changes in Bucky's breathing. Steve's own breath is rapid despite his efforts to remain calm. He's never had to take care of Bucky like this before. When they were kids, Bucky was always the strong one, who spent more time sat at Steve's side than Steve can remember. And Bucky never complained once. Not when Bucky used the last of his money to buy medicine for Steve, not when Bucky had to cancel dates at the last minute because Steve was sick. Bucky had always been there for him no matter what and Steve is going to do the same for Bucky now. They've been brought back together despite both of them having 'died' decades ago and if that isn't a sign of something, Steve doesn't know what is.

For now, though, he'll settle for having Bucky healthy.

Steve's managed to clean up most of the blood and the bullet wounds seem to have stopped bleeding but the older ones are clearly infected and Steve doesn't know what he can do about that. 

He sets the bowl to one side and brushes the hair back from Bucky's face. He's still pale and his skin is warm and clammy with fever even though he's shivering.

Steve heads back into the bathroom and ditches the bowl of bloody water, returning with a cool, clean cloth which he uses to wipe Bucky's face before laying it over his forehead. Bucky's stopped talking entirely now and Steve has no idea if that's a good sign or a bad sign.

Before he can think what to do next there’s a knock at the door and Steve’s heart pounds with relief as he rises to his feet.

The man on the other side of the door is small, probably in his fifties if Steve were to take a guess and is wearing small wire glasses which are perched on the end of his nose.

“You must be-”

The man raises his hand to stop Steve from speaking. “No names. I know who you are, and I know about your situation. Who I am and who sent me does not need to be mentioned where ears may be listening.”

He bustles past Steve and makes a beeline for the bedroom. How this guy even knows where the bedroom is Steve kind of doesn’t want to know, but he follows.

“So if you don’t want me to use your name what should I call you?” Steve asks as he hovers in the doorway and watches as the guy starts examining Bucky.

“Doctor will suffice,” the man replies.

“Okay, Doctor, how’s my friend doing?” 

“I’ve seen worse,” the doctor replies as he starts rummaging in his bag. “I’ve seen better too.”

He pulls out several bottles of medication that Steve doesn’t like the look of, and some tools that he really _really_ doesn’t like the look of. 

“There is still a bullet lodged in his shoulder,” the doctor explains as he pulls out a syringe and fills it with a clear liquid. “I need to sedate him and then remove it.”

Steve eyes the syringe warily. He knows Bucky is in bad shape, and he knows Natasha wouldn’t send someone unless she absolutely trusted them. But Steve doesn’t trust easily these days and he crosses the room to stand beside Bucky.

“I’m not letting you do anything to him until you can prove you’re who you’re supposed to be.”

The doctor sighs and sets the syringe down on a small metal tray. “You are very much like our mutual friend. She is not quick to trust either. Call her if you like.”

Ensuring that he keeps facing the doctor Steve moves back to the dresser, picks up the phone and sends Natasha another text. 

“Ask him for the code phrase,” she says when she calls him a minute later.

“What’s the code phrase?” Steve repeats back to the doctor.

The man doesn’t hesitate. “The truth isn’t all things to all people all of the time.”

Steve remembers the words Natasha had used in the car on their way to Cap Lehigh and nods. “We’re good,” he says half to Natasha and half to the doctor.”

The phone disconnects and Steve tosses it back into the drawer. 

“Shall I proceed?” The doctor asks and Steve moves back over to the bed. He’d prefer it if Bucky was coherent enough to give his consent, given the experiments that have been done to him. But Steve knows that’s not an option. If Natasha trusts this guy with Bucky’s life then Steve will have to do the same. He might not know this guy but he trusts Natasha’s judgement.

“Do it,” Steve says.

The doctor bends down but the needle hasn’t even made contact with Bucky’s skin when Bucky’s eyes snap open. His eyes focus on the doctor first, then the needle and with a snarl he scrambles backwards until his back hits the headboard of Steve’s bed.

“Whoa, Bucky, stop, it’s okay!”

Bucky hisses something in Russian, eyes still focused on the needle in the doctor’s hand. Steve’s not even sure Bucky has heard him.

The doctor has frozen in place, seemingly well aware that even in his weakened state Bucky could easily kill him if he made a wrong move. 

“Bucky?” Steve asks softly. “Do you know who I am? Do you know where you are?”

Bucky doesn’t look at him, but after a moment he says “Steve,” in an accent that Steve isn’t used to hearing.

“That’s right, pal, it’s me. You’re hurt and you came to my place. You remember that? This man is a doctor and he’s here to help you.”

“No doctors!” Bucky snaps. 

“I know, Buck. I know you don’t like doctors, but you’re hurt pretty bad and it’s not something I can fix by myself.”

He puts one knee on the bed and when Bucky doesn’t move or object he crawls over so he’s sitting at Bucky’s side.

“Bucky, look at me for a minute, okay?”

It takes a moment but finally Bucky turns his head. There’s pain in Bucky’s eyes, but worst of all there’s fear. Steve never wants to see Bucky looking like this ever again. 

He forces a smile on his face even though he wants nothing more right now than to hold Bucky in his arms, and kick the doctor out for scaring Bucky. It’s stupid and irrational but he’s never had all his senses when it comes to Bucky. 

“You came here because you trusted me to help you,” Steve says. It’s not a question. “So trust me when I tell you that I won’t let anyone hurt you or do anything to you that isn’t directly connected to helping you get better. Do you believe me?”

Bucky’s eyes flick back to the doctor for a second and then back to Steve. Slowly he nods his head. 

“Okay, he’s just going to make you sleep for a little while so he can take the bullet out of your shoulder. I’ll be right here the whole time, I promise. But if you don’t want him to do it then he won’t, okay? This is your choice, Bucky.”

Steve’s not sure what they’ll do if Bucky says no, but they’ll figure it out. Bucky’s spent too long having things done to his body without his consent. As far as Steve’s concerned, that’s something that will never, ever, happen again.

“If it’s easier,” the doctor interjects, “I can simply numb the area with a local anesthetic and you can remain awake.”

Steve’s not sure if that’s better or worse. “Bucky?”

Bucky shakes his head. “S’better if I’m asleep. Sometimes when I’m awake I forget where I am. Don’t want to hurt anyone.”

He offers his right arm to the doctor but keeps his eyes fixed on Steve. 

“I’ll be right here the whole time,” Steve promises again and Bucky nods his head, not even reacting when the needle penetrates his skin.

“Trust you,” Bucky murmurs as his eyes drift shut. A moment later his head lolls and drops onto Steve’s shoulder. 

Steve can’t help himself and he presses a kiss to Bucky’s temple the way Bucky used to do when they were kids and Steve was sick.

“If you could lay him down,” the doctor requests as he starts sterilizing his tools.

As carefully as he can, Steve lifts Bucky up and repositions him so that he’s lying on his back in front of the doctor. 

He watches as the doctor cuts into Bucky’s flesh, and grips the sheets tight in his fist as he reminds himself that this is all to help Bucky. He watches as the bullet that had been lodged in Bucky’s shoulder is deposited on the tray with a dull clang. He watches as Bucky’s remaining injuries are cleaned properly and restitched. 

He really hates watching and not doing. 

Finally the doctor presents Steve with two bottles of pills.

“This one is an antibiotic,” the doctor explains as he shows Steve a bottle containing yellow pills. “He must take the full course. One pill three times a day for two weeks. Even if he seems well he must finish taking them, understood?”

Steve nods. 

“These are painkillers,” the doctor says as he hands Steve the other bottle. “To be taken as needed. They’re strong, though, so don’t be surprised if he seems a little unsteady after taking one.”

“Thank you.”

The doctor dismisses him with a wave of his hand. “My debt is now repaid. With any luck we won’t ever see each other again.”

Steve watches as the doctor packs up his bag and then moves to get up and show him out.

“I can see myself out,” the doctor says with a kind smile. “Stay here and take care of your friend. He should be waking up any time now.”

That causes Steve to still. The last thing he wants is for Bucky to wake up alone, especially after Steve promised to stay with him.

“Well, thank you again.”

The doctor waves and disappears through the bedroom door. A moment later Steve hears the front door open and close. 

The noises seems to rouse Bucky who lets out a low groan and covers his eyes with his flesh hand.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asks.

Bucky’s hand drops back to his side and he raises his head enough to look down at himself. 

Satisfied with the patching up he’s received, he lets his head drop back onto the bed.

“Better. Thanks.” He’s at least lost the Russian accent now but his words are a lie and Steve knows it. Bucky’s still deathly pale and his skin is still clammy. He might heal faster thanks to whatever Zola did to him but he’s definitely not better.

“What happened?” Steve’s not sure he wants to know but he has to ask.

“Got shot,” Bucky replies and that’s all Steve is going to get apparently.

For a moment Steve just listens to the sound of Bucky breathing, grateful that his friend is alive and recovering. 

“I need to go,” Bucky says with a groan as he tries to sit up and Steve feels like he’s been thrown back into the ice. 

“What?”

Steve grabs Bucky’s hand as he reaches for his clothes. 

“I can’t stay here, Steve,” Bucky says although he makes no effort to shake Steve’s hand loose. His voice is soft and quiet and it breaks Steve’s heart.

“Why?” It’s the only question Steve can think to ask. “You’re hurt, Buck. The doctor says you need to rest and take your pills regularly. Why can’t you do that here? Is it me? Because I can get someone else to come by and-”

Bucky barks out a bitter laugh. “You? Steve, you really think I’m staying away because I don’t want to be around you? I’m doing this to keep you _safe_!”

Steve blinks at him.

“HYDRA is going to keep looking for me, Steve. I’m their best weapon and they won’t stop until they’ve caught me, wiped me, and put me back to work. If I stay here they’ll find me and you know as well as I do that they’ll kill you, Wilson, Natalia, anyone who gets in their way. I won’t take that risk, Steve. I’ve seen too much death already and I won’t lose you to this.”

“And you think me losing you will be any easier?” Steve asks. “I’ve already lost you once, Bucky and I won’t do it again. You want to take down HYDRA? I do too! And I’ve got a whole bunch of friends who would be willing to help. You don’t have to get by on your own.”

“Using my own words against me? Dirty trick, Rogers. You gonna put the couch cushions on the floor and make me shine your shoes?”

Steve almost falls off the bed. It’s the first time Bucky has volunteered any solid information about their time growing up.

“You remember that?”

Bucky shrugs. “Bits and pieces are coming back. Nothing really connected but I remember you were too proud to let me help you. I’d be a bit of hypocrite if I did the same, right?”

And just like that Steve feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest. 

Bucky was going to stay.


End file.
